Recently my wife and I sat around a table with two other couples who are good friends in Florida. The topic turned to air travel and the consensus was that it is hell. We all love discovering new places, but getting there has become more and more unpleasant over the years…

Everybody’s a Terrorist!

The tipping point in air travel comfort was September, 2001. The terrorist attacks of that day turned the airlines into sacred cows and all travelers into potential terrorists. Since the 9-11 terrorists used box cutters, anything remotely sharp can’t be on your person or in your carry-on luggage. Nail clippers? Weapon! A British gent of a certain age made me laugh when he told the story of how his cigar clipper was confiscated by security agents. He asked them “What do you think I would do with it? Circumcise the captain?”

It was over ten years ago, but instead of relaxing security measures, they have gradually been made worse each time a new terrorist plot failed. I emphasize failed. First it was the Wiley E Coyote style shoe bomber who was foiled while trying to light the fuse in his loafer. Ever since, we have to remove our footwear at the security checkpoint. Even the Road Runner knows Wiley E’s crazy schemes never work!

Next came the evil geniuses who plotted, but never executed a plan to carry aboard chemicals in liquid form which they would have mixed during the flight to make explosives. I repeat, they never even boarded a commercial airliner, yet overnight, millions of dollars in bottled drinks, shampoo, cologne and even baby formula were forcefully thrown into garbage bins at airports all over North America by passengers surprised by a hastily imposed ban on gels and liquids. Knee jerk reaction? Eventually, the rule was relaxed a tiny bit to allow very small containers of liquids to be taken aboard, but still millions in perfectly good products are destroyed each year.

Then there was the underwear bomber, the nut who hid an explosive device in his Fruit of the Loom but only managed to singe his crotch. Thanks to this clown, we all have to undergo the humiliation of an intrusive pat down that includes our genitals, or being scanned by the infamous nude machine, the scanner that sees through our clothing. Why don’t they just make us all strip naked?! After all, our pants are already falling down from having to remove our belts! Now, in the USA, the TSA has started yet another security check: the chatdown, which consists in asking you inane questions about where you are going and for how long, looking for visual and audible clues in your reaction. Starting to feel like you’re being given the third degree by the Gestapo? Ah-ha, you flinched! Take him away!

All of these security measures are unpleasant and further extend the time it takes to board your flight. You used to be able to arrive at the airport minutes before departure, but now they want you to allow two hours before domestic departures and three for international ones. Hours and hours standing in lines or sitting around in boring, often overcrowded terminals. Yet your hell has not ended after surviving the initial humiliation crossing the security checkpoint!

You ARE a Sardine!

Most of us have to travel in coach, which is not designed for normal human beings. Leg room is non-existent, and if you’re even slightly tall, you’ll be contorted your entire trip. The airlines have insured further discomfort by making the seat backs reclinable, which means that if the passenger in front of you decides to take a nap, your legs will be crushed! There’s a few seats with ample leg room along the emergency exits and bulkheads, but now they’ve become premium seats you’ll have to pay extra  for, as any semblance of comfort has become a luxury. Peta makes furious noises about the inhumane treatment to animals, but nobody has yet to throw a bucket of paint on airline officials!

To add insult to leg injury, these same airlines recommend doing exercises and walking around in the cabin in order to prevent blood clots forming from being so cramped into a small space for prolonged periods.  Right, as if that makes any sense in full planes with narrow aisles. Why don’t you just give us the proper amount of leg space, you greedy devils?!

Everything’s Extra, including Cleanliness

Airlines continuously find new ways to make our travels yet more unpleasant, all in the name of increasing profit margins, but disguised as giving us more options or providing a better service. The cabin is no longer cleaned after each flight. Passengers deplane and new passengers immediately board. Less turnaround time, more flights, more money for them, filthy cabins for us. Flight frequencies have been pared down to fill more seats per plane. Direct flights are rare except if you depart from one of the airline’s hubs, which is another way for them to fill planes to capacity. Almost every airline now charges for luggage and one even charges you for your carry-on, and allowed weights per bag keeping getting smaller. Genius! Sneaky extra fares, plus less flying weight, thus less fuel consumption — win-win! Food and drinks are now at extra cost too except on the long haul direct flights. They even bilk you for the privilege of choosing you seat, or for booking by phone.

You ARE Unimportant!

Lastly, I find airlines’ classification of passengers despicable. Coach passengers are mired in an interminable line at the check-in, while “elite” class patrons jump ahead of us in full view. Loud signs remind us of their place and ours. Thus we’re already made to feel like the scum of the earth even before we board, never mind the silly little curtains separating our part of the cabin from the business or first class sections and the snippy stewardesses barking at us that we’re not allowed to use the forward lavatories let alone cross into the forbidden zone. Way to go, airlines, kudos to you for valuing our business and for discreetly reminding us of our lower rank. I’ve paid as much as $2500 for a round-trip economy ticket, a nice down payment on a car — I think I don’t deserve to be insulted for that kind of money!

I don’t know of any other business where the customer is so unimportant. The airlines are the martyrs of 9-11, and thus they are permitted to do the previously unimaginable, including keeping your entire fare if you have to cancel your flight. You used to be able to reserve your seat for free, but now the word reserve means buy. Raising your voice at any airline employee is enough to get you pepper sprayed and led away in handcuffs for acting like a terrorist. Nowadays you must walk on eggshells around airline personnel, same as you would around cops or the insane.

I hate every second of any trip by air, but until I find a quick way to travel thousands of miles in a day, I reckon I’ll have to endure the fondling and being bent into a pretzel! You win, you bastards!

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