Air Travel
Let’s be Honest — Air Travel is Hell!
Nov 24th
Recently my wife and I sat around a table with two other couples who are good friends in Florida. The topic turned to air travel and the consensus was that it is hell. We all love discovering new places, but getting there has become more and more unpleasant over the years…
Everybody’s a Terrorist!
The tipping point in air travel comfort was September, 2001. The terrorist attacks of that day turned the airlines into sacred cows and all travelers into potential terrorists. Since the 9-11 terrorists used box cutters, anything remotely sharp can’t be on your person or in your carry-on luggage. Nail clippers? Weapon! A British gent of a certain age made me laugh when he told the story of how his cigar clipper was confiscated by security agents. He asked them “What do you think I would do with it? Circumcise the captain?”
It was over ten years ago, but instead of relaxing security measures, they have gradually been made worse each time a new terrorist plot failed. I emphasize failed. First it was the Wiley E Coyote style shoe bomber who was foiled while trying to light the fuse in his loafer. Ever since, we have to remove our footwear at the security checkpoint. Even the Road Runner knows Wiley E’s crazy schemes never work!
Next came the evil geniuses who plotted, but never executed a plan to carry aboard chemicals in liquid form which they would have mixed during the flight to make explosives. I repeat, they never even boarded a commercial airliner, yet overnight, millions of dollars in bottled drinks, shampoo, cologne and even baby formula were forcefully thrown into garbage bins at airports all over North America by passengers surprised by a hastily imposed ban on gels and liquids. Knee jerk reaction? Eventually, the rule was relaxed a tiny bit to allow very small containers of liquids to be taken aboard, but still millions in perfectly good products are destroyed each year.
Then there was the underwear bomber, the nut who hid an explosive device in his Fruit of the Loom but only managed to singe his crotch. Thanks to this clown, we all have to undergo the humiliation of an intrusive pat down that includes our genitals, or being scanned by the infamous nude machine, the scanner that sees through our clothing. Why don’t they just make us all strip naked?! After all, our pants are already falling down from having to remove our belts! Now, in the USA, the TSA has started yet another security check: the chatdown, which consists in asking you inane questions about where you are going and for how long, looking for visual and audible clues in your reaction. Starting to feel like you’re being given the third degree by the Gestapo? Ah-ha, you flinched! Take him away!
All of these security measures are unpleasant and further extend the time it takes to board your flight. You used to be able to arrive at the airport minutes before departure, but now they want you to allow two hours before domestic departures and three for international ones. Hours and hours standing in lines or sitting around in boring, often overcrowded terminals. Yet your hell has not ended after surviving the initial humiliation crossing the security checkpoint!
You ARE a Sardine!
Most of us have to travel in coach, which is not designed for normal human beings. Leg room is non-existent, and if you’re even slightly tall, you’ll be contorted your entire trip. The airlines have insured further discomfort by making the seat backs reclinable, which means that if the passenger in front of you decides to take a nap, your legs will be crushed! There’s a few seats with ample leg room along the emergency exits and bulkheads, but now they’ve become premium seats you’ll have to pay extra for, as any semblance of comfort has become a luxury. Peta makes furious noises about the inhumane treatment to animals, but nobody has yet to throw a bucket of paint on airline officials!
To add insult to leg injury, these same airlines recommend doing exercises and walking around in the cabin in order to prevent blood clots forming from being so cramped into a small space for prolonged periods. Right, as if that makes any sense in full planes with narrow aisles. Why don’t you just give us the proper amount of leg space, you greedy devils?!
Everything’s Extra, including Cleanliness
Airlines continuously find new ways to make our travels yet more unpleasant, all in the name of increasing profit margins, but disguised as giving us more options or providing a better service. The cabin is no longer cleaned after each flight. Passengers deplane and new passengers immediately board. Less turnaround time, more flights, more money for them, filthy cabins for us. Flight frequencies have been pared down to fill more seats per plane. Direct flights are rare except if you depart from one of the airline’s hubs, which is another way for them to fill planes to capacity. Almost every airline now charges for luggage and one even charges you for your carry-on, and allowed weights per bag keeping getting smaller. Genius! Sneaky extra fares, plus less flying weight, thus less fuel consumption — win-win! Food and drinks are now at extra cost too except on the long haul direct flights. They even bilk you for the privilege of choosing you seat, or for booking by phone.
You ARE Unimportant!
Lastly, I find airlines’ classification of passengers despicable. Coach passengers are mired in an interminable line at the check-in, while “elite” class patrons jump ahead of us in full view. Loud signs remind us of their place and ours. Thus we’re already made to feel like the scum of the earth even before we board, never mind the silly little curtains separating our part of the cabin from the business or first class sections and the snippy stewardesses barking at us that we’re not allowed to use the forward lavatories let alone cross into the forbidden zone. Way to go, airlines, kudos to you for valuing our business and for discreetly reminding us of our lower rank. I’ve paid as much as $2500 for a round-trip economy ticket, a nice down payment on a car — I think I don’t deserve to be insulted for that kind of money!
I don’t know of any other business where the customer is so unimportant. The airlines are the martyrs of 9-11, and thus they are permitted to do the previously unimaginable, including keeping your entire fare if you have to cancel your flight. You used to be able to reserve your seat for free, but now the word reserve means buy. Raising your voice at any airline employee is enough to get you pepper sprayed and led away in handcuffs for acting like a terrorist. Nowadays you must walk on eggshells around airline personnel, same as you would around cops or the insane.
I hate every second of any trip by air, but until I find a quick way to travel thousands of miles in a day, I reckon I’ll have to endure the fondling and being bent into a pretzel! You win, you bastards!
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Are Round The World Fares Worth it?
Aug 1st
Some of the major airline code sharing alliances, such as OneWorld, SkyTeam and Star Alliance, offer round-the-world, or RTW, airfares. Many web sites extoll their virtues, but dollar for dollar, are these tickets really advantageous?
First off, you should realize that RTW fares come with many restrictions, some of which you wouldn’t face with a regular ticket. You can’t just hop on planes wherever and whenever you want on this type of plan: You have to choose one of their ready-made trajectories or design your own in advance. Typically, your itinerary cannot go through the same airport twice, unless it’s a hub and you’re just using it for transfers. Since your travel is limited to the small bunch of airlines that belong to the alliance, it can be rather challenging designing a plan that makes sense. For example, in Europe, One World has British Airways, so all your hops have to go through London. Want to go from Athens to Rome? You’ll have to go through London! Some RTW’s have a total distance limit, so all those useless jumps to London (or whatever hub) will eat away at that number, never mind that you’ll be sick of Heathrow!
To circumvent the lack of connecting flights, you might have to use land or sea travel to get to your next destination, but this won’t be covered by your RTW fare, and they’ll have the gall to count it towards your segment limit! Keeping fares low with a RTW package isn’t easy, because none of the discount airlines such as Southwest, Jet Blue, Spirit, Ryan Air or Air Berlin are part of any alliance, so you’re left with all the blue chip carriers.
Invariably, when I price my itinerary with Orbitz, my total cost winds-up being a lot less than any RTW plan, and without the unnerving difficulties in scheduling and routing that comes with the latter. Simply, you have a better chance of getting the cheapest flights and have many more flight options without the RTW plan, if you don’t mind using a wider range of carriers. It’s not true that all airlines charge as much or more for one way tickets than round trips. Some do, many don’t, especially the discount airlines. As for any air miles you might get from flying with one alliance, you have to wonder if it’s worth spending an extra thousand or two just for some points which you might not use.
Whatever you do, don’t stay home!
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Plattsburgh: Montreal’s US airport!
May 8th
Plattsburgh is a small American city a few miles from the Canadian border that has long depended on cross-border shoppers from Montreal, the nearest metropolis. After the local air force base closed in 1995, it was converted to a commercial airport, targeting the traveling public from the neighboring country. Although nowhere as convenient as Montreal’s own international airport, trekking the 60 miles (100 km) to Plattsburgh can save you hundreds of dollars.
Flights from Canada are at a premium, while Plattsburgh (PBG) has 3 discount and 1 regular airline serving it: Allegiant, Directair, Spirit, and US Airways Express. Of course, the choice of direct destinations as well as schedules are very limited, but you can connect to other flights if you don’t mind what might be a long wait in between. Most departures out of Plattsburgh are to vacation destinations popular with Montrealers, particularly Florida. In my case, I took Spirit’s lone 1:35 am daily service which took me to its hub in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where I spent over five hours before departing for Medellin, Colombia. Add to this the time spent waiting in Plattsburgh itself, and the whole affair was exhausting, but I did save lots of money!
A word to the wise: the terminal in Plattsburgh is tiny and has no services except for a few vending machines in the main hall and a food cart that you won’t see until you’re past the security check. Thus, if you arrive earlier than necessary, you might want to while away the hours in one of the local malls. My flight was at an ungodly hour on a Monday, so I found the cinema in the nearby Champlain Mall to be a great way to pass time in an agreeable manner!
Most Canadians will drive down and park at the airport, which costs 5 US dollars a day at the closest lot, or $3 at the lots further out. Alternatively, and this what I did, you can catch a Greyhound or Adirondack Trailways bus from downtown Montreal for just 25 Canadian dollars. These have free WI-Fi on board! Depending which flight you want to catch, you might wind-up spending more time in Plattsburgh than you planned to, and even if you cut it close, you’ll still have to pay for a cab because the bus stop is five miles from the airport. Taxis don’t have meters in Plattsburgh: they charge you by zones crossed. To go from the bus stop to the Champlain Mall is $5, from the mall to the airport is $9, and no idea what it is from the bus stop to the airport but it’s probably also $9. If you do decide to travel down by bus, just remember that the Homeland security people at the border crossing are particularly nasty (I even wrote about it), so make sure your most resilient hat is firmly on!
The Niagara Falls, New York, regional airport, could be construed as Toronto’s US airport for its proximity to the border with Ontario. Many of the same discount airlines fly to this airport, also a former air force base. Haven’t tried this option yet, but as soon as I do, I’ll let you know what transpires!
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Little Tricks Airlines Play to Steal your Money
Jul 26th
Airlines used to have to be nice to their customers, but that all changed after September 11, 2001, when they became martyrs. No other industry is as coddled by federal governments. They can pretty much do anything they want to you, and if you dare even raise your voice a notch, you could find yourself thrown to the ground and handcuffed by a bunch of burly guys! One of the prime directives of today’s airline companies is to take as much of your money as possible and above all else, never, ever issue a refund! Here are a few of their favorite tricks…
The Voucher trick:
As we mentioned before, airlines don’t like to return your money. Even if a ticket is non-refundable, there are situations where the airline is at fault and you’re owed money. If you can get them to pay that is! Their favorite trick to not return any of your money is to issue vouchers instead. Typically, these are vouchers that you can use against future flights you book with that airline, but it could also be for severely overpriced airport food. The problem with vouchers is that they’re non-transferable and have an expiration date, usually a year from the time it’s printed. If you’re not a frequent traveler or won’t be using that airline within a year, your voucher is worthless.
Getting a refund at the ticketing counter just isn’t going to happen, but if you’re persistent and extremely patient, you could eventually see your funds returned on your credit or debit card (if you used cash to buy your ticket, pray hard!) If it’s a situation where you have to cancel your trip because of a death in the family, or you’ve fallen ill, you’ll pretty much have to accept the vouchers they offer you, since this is a situation where the airline has all the discretion. However, if your flight was canceled or the fare got cheaper since you bought your ticket, most airlines will still resist ferociously before giving you anything else than vouchers, even though you’re fully entitled to a refund.
The amount of money airlines are saving this way surely amounts to millions of dollars a year!
The Baggage Trick:
First the airlines started limiting the weight of the luggage you checked, charging you exorbitant fees for every pound above the limit. Then they just started charging for any luggage you check on domestic flights, and sometimes even on international flights. Of course, they’re airlines, so all the extra fees are non-refundable. Where it crosses the line that never should be crossed is when they impose a charge you for your carry-on luggage. Who on earth is going to travel with no bag at all? Spirit airlines, for example, will hit you for 25 dollars each way for your checked bag, and 30 dollars for your carry-on (both fees are higher if you pay at the airport). Add-up all the extra fees and your real cost of flying the discount airline may actually exceed that of the full service one! Industry insiders worry that as happened with fees for checked bags, other airlines will follow Spirit’s lead and also begin charging for carry-on luggage. US senator Chuck Schumer is fighting to have carry-on fees made illegal. Several major airlines have given assurances that they don’t plan to follow suit.
Note that if you travel abroad and your itinerary includes one or more domestic connections, you’ll avoid paying the baggage fees on the local portion if you purchase the whole trajectory from one airline.
The return ticket trick:
Some airlines still force you to buy a return ticket even if you’re only going one way, simply by making the one way ticket more expensive than the return one. Since you won’t use the return portion of your ticket, it’s a seat they can sell to any latecomer, and even if nobody takes your seat, it’s still saves them fuel and frills like meals, if any. Rack-up tens of thousands of unused return tickets in a given year and it’s a pretty big amount of cash!
Personally, I can’t think of any other business where they can steal your money so consistently and with total impunity!
